


Ready to let go and make it real

by stillinblossom



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF), Video Blogging & YouTube RPF
Genre: Angst, Coming Out, Fluff, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-21
Updated: 2014-03-21
Packaged: 2018-01-16 11:38:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,535
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1346068
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stillinblossom/pseuds/stillinblossom
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Dan’s scared but also tired of Phil having to be the brave one.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Ready to let go and make it real

”We’ll be late, and it’s all for your crappy GHD’s that takes fucking forever to warm up.”  
Dan was positioned in front of the mirror in Phil’s room, trying to coat his voice in annoyance to keep the horrible nerves from spilling out with the words. There was a tidal wave of bad feelings that shouldn’t be there but all the same decided to make its presence known to him every other second by vigorously bouncing off each other and his insides. Either he was doing a horrible job, or Phil simply knew every change of his tone, every nervous antic of his, because two arms were around him in an instant and captured his hands fiddling with the collar of his shirt.  
“Then leave the curls and we won’t be. You know I love them.”  
“And you know I don’t.” Dan argued half heartedly, but knew Phil won that argument with just a handful of words. Because those words were mumbled against his skin, and those arms around him somehow tamed his inner tidal wave and turned it into mere ripple. Dan marvelled, as he’d done countless times through the years, over how well their bodies seemed to fit together. Dan’s shoulders to Phil’s torso. Phil’s chin on Dan’s shoulder. Phil’s nose buried in the hollow just behind his ear.  
“It’s not too late to change your mind, you know. You can still stay here and watch Buffy and drink ginger beer and enjoy walking around naked.”  
Hot air hit the sensitive skin on his neck when Phil let out a breathy laugh at his words. Years together and that sound, and even more so the knowledge that he was the cause of it, still made his heartbeat notably pick up.  
“I prefer being naked in the presence of you. And I’ve met your family before, Dan, I don’t know what you’re so nervous about.”  
“You’ve met my parents and grandparents. This is the whole insane Howell family experience. You have no idea.” Dan groaned.  
“I’ll survive.” Phil assured, before letting him go and unknowingly letting the ripple blow up into storm within him. 

The car Phil had rented was definitely fancier than it needed to be. Dan considered making a cheeky remark about the sleek black car with the luxurious leather interior, the gentle but strong humming of the powerful engine and Phil’s snobbish tendencies. Then he saw the contempt smile on Phil’s lips as he gripped the wheel with one hand and rested the other on Dan’s thigh and he did not have the heart. He instead thought about the road trip that was on their list of things to experience together. It was cliché, both having the list in the first place and the things they’d put on it. They had been laughing when they wrote it, stealing fleeting kisses and making fun of how stereotypical they were being, but no less looking forward to cross the things off one by one. They so rarely got to be stereotypical, always hiding and being careful and getting creative about ways to enjoy each other without inviting in the rest of the world in to trample what they’d built together. Their lists of achievements was being crossed off at a mind-blowing pace, with their jobs taking them all over the world and one opportunity leading to another, each one bigger and scarier and even more exciting then the previous. But _their_ list had been untouched for too long now. Once they properly settled into their regular lives again after months filled with travels and only a couple of stray days at home at the time he had wanted nothing more than to shut out the world and create a bubble that only involved Phil and himself. Home cooked meals, late nights and long mornings – just the two of them instead of them and almost two million subscribers only on his part. It had sparked a rather ugly argument between them – on one side Phil who talked about obligations and owing things to a faceless mass, on the other hand himself feeling like he was being pulled at from all possible ends and _surely_ he must have the right to close the door to the world without having to announce what was going on behind said door? He could see it in Phil’s eyes that he, for once, was feeling the difference in age or maturity, or both. It hurt seeing it. It had been one of the things people held against their relationship when Dan was still a teenager. Phil had always said it didn’t matter, did not bother him one bit, but this time Dan could sense that he was tired of being the older, wiser, more mature one. 

But they came out on the other side; things were perhaps better than they’d ever been. They’d both encountered sides of the other they didn’t wholeheartedly appreciate and at the same time had come to the soothing revelation that it wasn’t the end of the world nor the relationship. Their love didn’t cease, if anything it grown in confidence that they could and would make it through this and what else may be thrown their way.

So Dan daydreamed about finding time to cross those things off their list, to keep himself from paying too much attention to raw fear screaming for his attention. They’d rent a car, a convertible good enough to take them through the US (because god knows they’d both be both clueless and useless in a situation with a broken down car) but crappy enough to feel like they were part of a music video. Music blaring, one of Phil’s hands loosely gripping the steering wheel like he was now when they were moving at a frustratingly slow pace through the outskirts of London along with thousands of others heading home to family for Christmas. There would be sand on the side of the road instead of dirty slush and they’d be heading to Las Vegas instead of his sleepy hometown. Maybe they’d surrender completely to the clichés, lying on the hood of the car watching the stars before making love despite the air being slightly too chilled late at night. He had to bite his lip to contain a grin at his thoughts. He’d never been much for these words; making love had always felt like a mismatched word to describe what they had together. In fact the blunter words felt equally lacking as to explain it. What was the word for giving all of yourself every time, surrendering completely to another person, until you ceased to exist other than in breathy moans and in each others’ touches? Because that’s what it was with them.

Barely fifteen minutes left until they reached the familiar house and Dan couldn’t keep up neither conversations nor daydreams anymore. His breath was starting to come in shallow sighs and sharp intakes, and out of the corner of his eyes he could see Phil’s worry increase. He closed his eyes, trying to take control of his breathing – in out, in out, slowly like he’d learned to do when panic was threatening to take over his body and mind – when he felt the car dropping in speed and making a soft turn before stopping all together.  
“Dan. Look at me.”  
He slowly opened his eyes, a bit embarrassed to meet Phil’s eyes but knowing he would have to eventually anyway.  
“Just breathe, love, it’s fine.”  
It took a couple of minutes of mimicking Phil’s calm breathing, of his fingers traveling over Dan’s face soothingly and their forehead touching. Not quite kissing, but as intimate if not more so.  
“I’m sorry, I didn’t realise you where this stressed about it. I figured you where just a bit nervous about presenting me to the weirdness that family and relatives are to any outsider. That, or you were ashamed of me.” He let a smile play along his lips momentarily, not making fun of Dan but merely coaxing him to let his lips mimic his actions like his breathe had mimicked Phil’s before.  
“Never. Never of you.” There were force behind his words. “It’s just... I’ve done the coming out once, even with the amazing reactions it was the scariest thing I’ve ever had to do. And now... How do we even go about this? I don’t want the knowing looks, or the shocked ones, or any looks at all really. I want it to be as effortless as it is for everyone else, but it never is for us, is it?”  
“We don’t have to go about it in any way. I could be your flatmate coming with you home for Christmas, if that’s what you want, and they can make of that what they will. It’s not a movie, we don’t need a big dramatic coming out scene. You’re visiting your family, and I’m tagging along. And if they can’t put one and one together, then I’m sorry but they might just be a bit daft. It doesn’t have to be a big deal if we don’t turn it into one.”  
Slowly, for every word his boyfriend softly spoke he could feel the knot in his stomach starting to loosen, his lips twitching up at his wording.  
“You take the lead. I won’t make a scene.” Phil added softly, before pressing his lips to Dan’s. The kiss was neither rushed nor heated, but it was deep and urgent with Phil’s fingers gracing his neck and playing with his collar and his own hands resting on a familiar pair of hips.  
“Though you might have to make up for the absences of that once we get home.” Phil smirked, before turning the ignition and steering out on the road again.

For someone used to sharing a fairly big flat with only one person in a quiet apartment complex it felt a lot like stepping into chaos and destruction to enter the Howell household at Christmas time. Kids in different ages where running around, crashing into people and walls as they chased each other and doubled over with laughter. The kitchen was filled with people all trying to get a final say in how the Christmas dinner should be prepared. In the living room someone roared with laughter over a joke and the only time anyone really stopped talking was when he or she were forced to take a deep breath to continue speaking with renewed loudness. After the crushing hugs his mother assigned them both and some motherly fussing including how Dan never seemed to stop growing and her amazement over how Phil had managed to get Dan to leave the house in his curly hair (“I’ve told him time and again that it looks lovely, but do you think he listens to me? Well, I guess no boys listen to their mother’s opinions, now do they Phil?”) they got whisked away from each other, everyone wanting to hear about Dan’s latest adventures or present themselves to Phil in hope of getting some kind of explanations for his being there. It seemed Phil gave them little but charmed them one by one still. It didn’t surprise Dan, but it still made his heart sing with pride seeing his boyfriend getting impressed looks from elderly relatives as well as the slightly younger ones. More than anything it warmed his heart when he saw his Nan’s face light up at the sight of Phil. Later, when things calmed down marginally and he got a chance to talk to Phil without anyone interrupting with more curious questions he asked what they had been talking about.  
“About you.” He stated simply, and then refused to elaborate any further. Dan eventually gave up, knowing full well Phil wasn’t one to back down.  
“She adores you. I swear to god I thought she was going to disown me last time I didn’t bring you with me.”  
And when Phil smiled and moved his arm to snake it around Dan’s waist – because he hadn’t touched him in hours and it was pure instinct to bring him closer – and stopped himself due to the earlier promises Dan found to his great surprise that it did not send him into panic because there were so many eyes on them. He instead found that he rather missed the not-carried-out gesture.

Other than some curious questions and some abrupt endings to conversations Dan was sure revolved around the two of them no one seemed all that baffled of Phil’s presence at the intimate gathering. Words like flatmate, friend and co-presenter on the radio was thrown around and accepted without much hassle. And little at the time, without thinking much of it, Dan started to let his guard down. Small things reserved for the sanctum of their home or in front of very few trusted people slipped through his careful mannerism. Like how he smiled fondly at Phil across the room where he was playing with the youngest children. Because the sight of Phil with a four year screaming with excitement as he acted as a human merry-go-round made him feel like his heart doubled in size to be able to contain all his love for this man. And then later, at the dinner table when the conversation had slowed down and actually resembled one of a sane family, he reached for Phil’s hand under the table. It was the first time he’d ever been thankful for being left handed, because he could keep his fingers entwined with Phil’s for the rest of the dinner, happily holding conversations and eating while feeling Phil run his thumb over his own. Like two people who didn’t need to hide. Like the cliché couple they sometimes longed to be. 

10:30, spirits still high but somewhat softened down after a long day. And Dan was tired of being scared shitless all the time, tired of relying on Phil to talk him down from a state of panic and build him up and being the ever so understanding person that he naturally was but also _had_ to be for Dan. So in the middle of a living room that felt like a stage where people was gathered to critically study his every movement, he kissed Phil. Urgent, like the kiss they’d shared in the car while Dan’s heart had been racing and vicious voices telling him that he could never do exactly this. He wasn’t as much showing the people in the room as he was showing his own demons he could do this. This once he could put aside that he was scared shitless and be brave and now his fingers where tangled in Phil’s hair and it felt like a new beginning.  
“I love you.” He mumbled against Phil’s lips when they finally broke apart. He didn’t dare to meet anyone’s eyes just yet. Phil responded by giving in to the instinctive movement disrupted earlier, put his arm around his boyfriend, and pressed a soft kiss behind his ear.  
“Proud of you.”  
And when Dan looked up, he was met by mostly smiles. It was a victory bigger than any achievement they’ve crossed off their list in the last year.

**Author's Note:**

> Find me [here](http://still-in-blossom.tumblr.com/) on tumblr.


End file.
